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THANK YOU SO MUCH. LOVE- JAMIE

How do I let go or do I let go?

As my sentencing date quickly approaches I find myself getting more and more worried and stressed about the future. i know I can handle it i know it won't be as bad as I think and that with time i will adjust to life in prison. But there is one thing that brings a tear to my eyes every time I think of it. That is the thought of loosing the boyfriend I have come to love so much. We meet back in April of this year and immediately fell in love. He and I share the same bed together and spend almost all free time with each other. I never thought I could care for someone so much as I do him. The problem I know face is, how do I let him go? Do I let him go? Does he want me to let him go? In a perfect world i would never even think about this. We would grow stronger and closer as a couple we would find an apartment and start a life together. But sadly my life is about to be put on a 3.5 year hold. Is it fair to ask such a young person to wait for me? Does he even want to wait for me? If we do decide for him to wait for me how will that make me feel every day I am locked up and wondering and worrying what he is up to or who he is seeing. I am afraid that the "who, what when, where and whys" of thinking of him will drive me crazy in there. It is not that i don't trust him, but we are talking about 3.5 years. Is it fair for him to not see anyone for that long of time? No way. Does he want to wait for me that long? I don't know. I'm trying to prepare myself for one of the most difficult days in my life when i will need to say good bye to him. "God Im crying right now thinking about it". That day be it on Tuesday or two months from now i will realize that that night i will not be sleeping with him in bed. I will not be able to hold him or wake up with him in my arms. "Jezzus fuck this is difficult". I don't want to let him go and let him live his life and be just a memory to him. But is it fair not to let him go? Wow this is difficult to even write i thought i would be stronger and be able to write more but I just can't. If anyone out there has an opinion on what i should do please let me know. I know the ultimate decision will be made by my heart and his heart. Peace out and thanks for reading this.

Love-Jamie

MY STATE OF MIND TWO WEEKS BEFORE SENTENCING!

OK TWO WEEKS BEFORE SENTENCING. HOW DO I FEEL WHAT AM I GOING THROUGH? WELL IT'S A FUCKING NIGHTMARE LET ME TELL YOU. THE STRESS IS SO GREAT. THE WHAT IFS ARE DRIVING ME CRAZY. DO I ONLY HAVE TWO WEEKS LEFT? IS THIS THE LAST TWO WEEKS I'LL EVER GET TO SPEND WITH MY DOGS? WHATS GOING TO HAPPEN WITH ME AND THE B/F? THESE QUESTIONS ARE STRESSING ME THE FUCK OUT! I HAVE HAD COLD SOARES ALL MY LIFE . HAVEN'T HAD ONE IN YEARS BUT THE STRESS IS GIVING ME THEM NOW LIKE CRAZY. SUCKS MAJOR ASS! I FIND MYSELF BREAKING DOWN EVERYDAY, I CRY FOR NO REASON OVER LITTLE BULLSHIT. I AM TRYING TO STAY STRONG BUT SHIT IS BECOMING ALL TO REAL. AFTER ALMOST THREE YEARS OF GOING THROUGH ALL THIS IT SEEMED LIKE IT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN OR IT WAS ALWAYS SO FAR OFF THERE WAS NEVER A NEED TO WORRIE ABOUT IT . BUT AS THE CLOCK TICKS AND TIME SEEMS TO BE SPEEDING UP, GOING FASTER AND FASTER. THE REALITY OF MY LIFE SEEMS TO BE ABOUT TO HIT A BRICK WALL. WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I HIT THAT WALL GOD ONLY KNOWS. HOW WILL I HANDLE ALL OF IT ? I HOPE TO BE STRONG. GOD I NEED TO BE FOR MY PARENTS. SO IF ANYONE READS THIS AND STILL HAS NOT RSVPD AND SAID THEY WILL OR NOT BE ABLE TO ATTEND MY SENTENCING PLEASE DO SO. IT WILL MAKE ME FEEL BETTER. SORRY I HAD TO GET THIS ALL OFF MY CHEST. GOING THROUGH IT . FUCK! LOVE YOU B/F. LOVE YOU FAMILY AND FRIENDS.

PEACE OUT - JAMIE