How do I let go or do I let go?
As my sentencing date quickly approaches I find myself getting more and more worried and stressed about the future. i know I can handle it i know it won't be as bad as I think and that with time i will adjust to life in prison. But there is one thing that brings a tear to my eyes every time I think of it. That is the thought of loosing the boyfriend I have come to love so much. We meet back in April of this year and immediately fell in love. He and I share the same bed together and spend almost all free time with each other. I never thought I could care for someone so much as I do him. The problem I know face is, how do I let him go? Do I let him go? Does he want me to let him go? In a perfect world i would never even think about this. We would grow stronger and closer as a couple we would find an apartment and start a life together. But sadly my life is about to be put on a 3.5 year hold. Is it fair to ask such a young person to wait for me? Does he even want to wait for me? If we do decide for him to wait for me how will that make me feel every day I am locked up and wondering and worrying what he is up to or who he is seeing. I am afraid that the "who, what when, where and whys" of thinking of him will drive me crazy in there. It is not that i don't trust him, but we are talking about 3.5 years. Is it fair for him to not see anyone for that long of time? No way. Does he want to wait for me that long? I don't know. I'm trying to prepare myself for one of the most difficult days in my life when i will need to say good bye to him. "God Im crying right now thinking about it". That day be it on Tuesday or two months from now i will realize that that night i will not be sleeping with him in bed. I will not be able to hold him or wake up with him in my arms. "Jezzus fuck this is difficult". I don't want to let him go and let him live his life and be just a memory to him. But is it fair not to let him go? Wow this is difficult to even write i thought i would be stronger and be able to write more but I just can't. If anyone out there has an opinion on what i should do please let me know. I know the ultimate decision will be made by my heart and his heart. Peace out and thanks for reading this.
Love-Jamie
posted by Jamie Greiman at 10:22 PM
1 Comments:
Letting go is not your decision alone. It is both you and your boyfriend's decision.
I do feel for you because I was in a similar debilitating situation a while back. My bf and I were going to be separated because I was being relocated 3000 miles away. I panicked. We both love each other and were having a difficult time coming to terms with everything that was going on and everything that we feared might happen.
I thought that it was my decision to make, so I gathered all my strength and broke up with him. It was excruciating, but I knew I had to be strong. I'm 34. He's 23. I knew he had a much better future without me. But it wasn't my decision to make.
I forgot that he was also a part of the relationship. I called him the next day and apologized. We both broke down to tears. We both didn't want to let go.
I had my fears. He had his. But we both threw caution to the wind and vowed to make it work, despite the distance. Two years before my contract ends, then we'll be together again.
Love will be your strength.
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