JELLYFISH, LOVE AND FRIENDSHIP LOST

Well here I go, I'm going to try to get through writing this Blog with a level head. Well this weekend started out fantastic! Friday night my "boi" as I called him in recent Blogs came down all the way from Bakersfield to see me. Friday night we had a nice Italian dinner and then hung out at one of my friends house for a while. It was so great to see him and be around him.(back what happened over the weekend in a minute)

He has meant so much to me over the past three months. We talked on the phone sometimes 8 times a day. He always made sure I was the first voice I heard in the morning and the last one I heard when I went to bed. With all the stress and uncertainty in my life this ment MORE than anyone could possible Imagine to me. Over the phone we talked about everything. We helped each other get through difficult moments in our lives and shared the joys of the good times. I never realized that the power of conversation could be so great on ones outlook on life. This 'boi" really meant the world to me. He made me so happy to have someone I could count on when I needed someone most. I always wanted to make sure he was happy. Anyone who knows me knows I love to make others happy, usually before myself. So I loved to take him out to different places when I could. Our first time out was actually in SF on New Years Eve. The memory I have will last a life time from that night. It was so awesome to actually have someone to kiss when midnight struck. We did this surrounded by thousands of people near the bay. Midnight struck and fireworks lit up the San Francisco skyline.There we were surrounded by thousands of mostly straight people and we kissed. If that doesn't make ya fall for someone, I don't know what will? After that date we continued to talk on the phone and my "boi" told me one night that "he was sorry but we will always only be friends, that he is to young for me and does not want to get attatched and have his heart broken by me. Due to the fact I am going to be going to prison soon. This was a pain full blow but I decided, "what the hell at least I will have a great friend". So as time went on, we would usually see each other about every two or three weeks. I took him and His wife/best friend to San Francisco for his birthday. I drove to Bakersfield a couple more times in the month and always got a room for the weekend and always made sure we would go out and have a nice dinner or a movie. These times were AWESOME for the most part, but a lot of people don't realize I break down sometimes and just cry and think about my future. This would usually happen at the end of our weekends. But josh was always there for me with a hug and understanding, assuring me that it will be ok. WOW, this coming from a 20 year old boy. The maturity he had while dealing with my pain was really amazing. So you can probably see how I started to like the boy more and more each day. Though we would talk about it and I always assured him, " I know we are just friends and I don't blame ya for not wanting to be my boyfriend"..This is true and I still feel this way. The only problem was to me he was my boyfriend ,I just wasn't his. Which I have explained to him many times and I thought it was like a little joke. I'm not crazy I knew he wasn't my boyfriend but it was nice to think of him as the closest thing I had to one. I sent him Valentines gifts, birthday gifts, ect. Just to make sure he would be happy. Never expecting anything in return but his friendship that had given me more joy than anyone can imagine.

So back to what happened over the weekend. We went to bed Friday night and it was so awesome just to be able to hold another person while he fell asleep in my arms. That has to be the most AWESOME feeling there is in life, and one I will not be able to experience in a long, long time. We woke up and my parents gave me money to make sure we both could get a hotel for the night and have a nice dinner, ect. My dad even let us take his Durango for the trip, going as far as to wash it before we took off. So things seem to be going great. We talk all the way their, stop for lunch, and arrive in Monterey. We get a room and then head out to Cannery Row to look around the shops and visit the Aquarium. After that we go to the Warf and have a nice dinner with an Awesome view of the ocean. We go back to the room and he decides we should rent a straight porn to watch in the room. I'm thinking cool, this is hot even though we are gay,lol. We watch the movie laughing getting turned on ect I won't go into any more details about it except the fact that" of course this would turn me on and of course sex was something I wanted to do with this guy I cared for more than anything". HERE IS WHERE I TAKE BLAME AND HATE MYSELF FOR DOING WHAT I DID. Instead of talking about the reason for not wanting to have sex. I decide to just get pissed off and give him the cold shoulder. I kept saying "nothing is wrong".. getting up out of bed all pissed off. Drinking way too much Vodka and still being a baby instead of asking him and talking about what was the problem. I REALIZE NOW I KNEW WHAT THE PROBLEM WAS I JUST DIDN'T WANT TO ADMIT TO MYSELF WHAT THE PROBLEM WAS. That was that he had always wanted us just to be friends and even though we have had sex every time in the past. I assume he felt this would be a good trip to test out the whole we are just friends thing.. Which I never wanted to admit to myself because I was so happy pretending and wishing we were more than that. So, I storm out of the room and walk around and decide that I need to at least hold him while we sleep, again the one thing I love more than sex. We wake up the next morning and I get mad again about the whole sex thing. We get in the car and me acting like a child, does not say a word the entire way home until we get about 5 minutes from my house. I was to afraid to know and here the truth about why we didn't do anything so we briefly explained ourselves and I apologized for my actions. Gave each other hugs and said we would see each other again. He promised he would call me half way home and I said see ya.. About an hour had passed and I realized how much of an ass I had been. I texed him saying, "sorry you did not have a good weekend. I guess I just need to learn to quit making you love me. God knows I have tried. Thanks for being my friend. WELL hours and hours pass and I start getting worried. I call and call and call and call and call and tex and tex and tex. Yes prolly looked like a freak but there is one thing I can't stand is not knowing if someone is safe or not knowing why they are mad at me. So later that night I get a Text that's says " I am fine". Wow thank god. Now thoughts turned to WTF is wrong then? More calls and calls. Nothing. I wake up the next day no answeres to my calls or texs again. Finally I call and his number has been changed. OH THE HEARTBREAK , HERE IS SOMEONE I HAVE TALKED TO EVERY MORNINNG AND AT LEATS 5 MORE TIMES THROUGH OUT THE DAY. It tore me up inside. Here is the person that meant so much to me and now he was erasing me out of my life. Yeas I cried and cried all day . I finally got this message from him that night

"Hey Jamie, I'm sorry if this is making you cry. You've been kind of wierding me out. I feel like you like me too much. I can't believe you got mad because I didn't have sex with you. I just think that you are very bad for me. You drink 24/7 which is not something that interests me at all. You say you want to spend all this time with me but everytime we do you end up getting into an argument with me or you become upset about something. I know that you have a lot to be up set over and I'm not saying that you shouldn't feel bad about your future. But it's just too much for me to handle at this time in my life. I have other things in my life to worrie about. It's not that I don't think that we were good friends, I just am not capable of dealing with this at this time in my life. I've been telling you that I'm not as attached to you as you are to me. I've told you that I will not allow myself to do so."..

WOWI just scared the one person who MEANT so much to me, away for good.. More sadness.

So this is what I replied to him

"IM SORRY BUT MY GOD . WE WERE GREAT FRIENDS AND I NEED YOU I CAN ACCEPT THE FACT THAT YOU DIDN'T WANT TO BE AS CLOSE TO ME AS ME OF YOU.. BUT MY GOD I THOUGHT WE GAVE SOMETHING TO EACH OTHERS LIVES, I CAN HANDLE US BEING FRIENDS AND I REALLY NEED THAT IN MY LIFE. I WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND THAT . I DIDN'T MEAN TO FREAK YOU OUT. BUT HELL YOU HAVE BEEN THROUGH WHAT I AM FEELING.. YOU WANT ME TO QUIT DRINKING TO BE YOUR FRIEND I WOULD DO THAT. I DRINK TO ERASE THE PAIN IN MY LIFE ,CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH PAIN I AM IN .. AND I THOUGHT YOU REALIZED THAT AND WERE WILLING TO STILL BE MY FRIEND.. AS CLOSE AS WE WERE I CANT BELIEVE I FREAKED YOU OUT, CAUSE I WAS SO UPSET ABOUT LOOSING OUR FRIENDSHIP. MY GOD . YOU HAVE FELT WHAT I AM GOING THROUGH.. AND I HAVE BEEN THERE TO HELP YOU WITH EVERY PROBLEM THAT HAS COME UP IN YOUR LIFE.. WHY CANT YOU STILL BE THERE FOR ME .. GOD YOU COULD AT LEAST TALK TO ME ON THE PHONE SO WE CAN TALK ABOUT IT . THATS WHAT GOOD FRIENDS DO.. FUCK THE SEX. I NEED YOUR FRIENDSHIP.. DO YOU EVEN HAVE A HEART TO CARE FOR ME THAT WAY,, I MEAN HELL I HAVE THANKED YOU SO MUCH FOR PUTTING UP WITH MY DRAMA SO MANY TIMES. WHAT HAS CHANGED NOW. I REaLLY NEED YA IN MY LIFE BUDDIE....AS A FRIEND... GOD DAMN. IM SORRY FOR WEIRDING YOU OUT BUT I REALLY NEED YOUR FRIENDSHIP. I HAVE NEVER FELT SO BAD IN MY LIFE LOOSING YOURS. AND IM SURE I HAVE TOUCHED YOUR LIFE IN SOME WAY. SO IF YOU CAN FIND IT IN YOUR HEART TO BE MY FRIEND I WOULD APRECIATE IT SO MUCH CAUSE LIFE IS SO SAD WITHOUT YOUR FRIENDSHIP.. AGAIN YOU REALIZE THE FEELING.. SORRY SORRY SORRY, PLEASE BLOCK YOUR PHONE NUMBER AND JUST SAY HI TO ME OK.. I NEED THAT OK ..

(so yes I may have sounded a little crazy in my reply. But I really don't want to loose him as a friend)

SO this is where my friendship has ended with the person that has giving me so much happiness. I can only blame myself and I know this is what im going to expect with anyone that wants to get close to me now until I go to prison. Which now looks like for sure August or September. I am feeling so much pain cause I cared to much for someone, go figure. I would do anything to take back that night and just have my friend back. I know my life is intense but hell he has put up and helped me through so much of it I don't understand why he can't for a few more months? But ya can't make someone care for ya. Obviously ya can make them not care for you. I have learned the hard way . So all I can do is wait and see if he has a change of heart. And let him know I am here for him. ..

Anyone that has taken the time to read this to the end .. is a true friend. Please leave me a comment. I hope someday soon my friend and I can be friends again. I still have my alarm set for 7am in the hops he will call, like he has every day for the last few months.. Thanks for listening. Jamie
your friends